now here's a good reason

As I have said in my previous entry, I have long exams on Monday: Math 11 and Geology 11. I'm right here in Metro Manila and I should be doing in-depth studying for the long exams but guess what? I haven't done anything productive yet. Yes, you guessed it right! I'm procrastinating things again and making our computer chair warm. I have been IM-ing and Friendster-ing all day. This home is full of temptations. There's the TV, the bed, and the almighty computer with the fastest DSL connection. Internet. Online life. My ultimate weakness. The culprit of my just-average high school grades. And it's getting into me again.

So I just thought that this is a good reason for me not to transfer anymore. It's not that there's no TV in my place, it's not that there's no internet [hello, we have WiFi internet access sa dorm]. But when I'm there, I'm just focused unto studying and nerding off or doing things for DebSoc or whatever university-related. What have I done for the past few hours that have passed? Nothing. I just IM-ed and IM-ed high school friends who seem to be disinterested to know anything whatnot about me. Well, no offense to others. And let me clarify that Kaila is not one of them. Yay! Haha. What else have I done for the past hours? Stalking in Friendster. Flooding up my comments page. Stalking. Stalking. And more stalking. Haha. Just kidding. You know I love checking out people's Friendster profiles and afterwards, I'd be laughing at all the bull and stupidity they put there. Okay, before I go on further, let me clarify that I am not generalizing all the Friendster folks out there. It's just that I see more funny profiles than good ones. And I am not saying that mine's a good one. It's simply plain, mind you.

I wonder why I don't already have a clear vision of what do I want to do right after I finish my undergraduate studies. When I was in high school, I remember that I was so eager to hit medical school and after 12 years, I'll have MD written along my full name. Now, I am not even sure if that's still the thing that I want to do. Everything has changed. My exposure to UP has changed me. No, I don't want to be an activist. I know I once dreamed of being one but now that I'm in the real thing, it makes me wonder why I once desired to be in their circle. It does not appeal to me anymore. Being idealistic is not the only requirement for an individual to belong to them--you also need the ability to balance time between those things and your academics. And that I cannot do. I'm okay with DebSoc--the only reason why I still want to go to school everyday even though every school day seems to be a bad day for me. I don't know what would happen to me if DebSoc were non-existent. It's more than an org for me. It's love. And it's the sweetest thing that happened to me in UP. Thank God for DebSoc. Thank God for the people in DebSoc. Thank God for the people in Hezbollah [Clifford, Marco, Rodel, Alex, Mabel, Gerda, Francesca and Benson]--my house in DebSoc. It would be so hard to leave it. I'm living a life that I cannot leave behind. I know this one's gonna be tragic in the later time. I don't wanna think how it's gonna be.

So far, I'm doing okay with my academics. I think it's still tolerable. Zoology is of course, hard without critical thinking. I have learned that I must go beyond my lecture notes and what's written on that thick blue book that almost replaced my bible. I went altogether wrong when I thought that it's just a plain matter of memorizing all those facts and concepts. That I shall never do again. Life is the science of Biology therefore I must absorb everything in it since I believe that the subject matter is my passion. I'll be living this kind of life still in the next 3 years [HOPEFULLY] and I must learn how to get with it.

And I quote: Life is demanding without understanding.

P.S. I made a new Multiply account because my old one sucks. Check it out: http://malditix.multiply.com. The stupid stuff that it contains are for contacts only so just add me if you know me then I'd add you back if I know you. I think it would take a long time again before I update you guys with another dramatic long entry. And I don't even know if someone still reads this. But I'll always try my best for this thing not to be left stagnant forever. :)

I'm leaving for a better place tomorrow night. Please pray that I'll be safe.

I'm going back, Boss

I cannot deny that during the past months, I somehow felt that my life seems to be just out of its place. Like no definite and precise road to take. Everything else seems to be just impulsive and all-of-a-sudden. Decision making for certain things in my life have been really sucky because I can't really think of what to choose, where to go, what to do. It's like something is just really lacking and I really can't go on with these things I encounter everyday and I will encounter in the days ahead without this very important that I lack. I admit, I have lost. The sad and bad part there is I didn't lose that very important thing unintentionally. It was done deliberately. And now that I am quite okay with things, I really feel sorry for myself for what I have done. I'm such a fool for losing it and throwing it; thinking I would not need any tinge. I'm so wrong.

Once I was His ever loving child who went to Him and relied to Him most of the time. Since four, we have been friends and I overly depended on Him when it comes to things that I fear of. Like a tantrum-stricken child who wasn't given what she wanted for so long, I got away and tried to live my life without that divinity that I used to live with.

My brother went last night to my paternal grandparents' home unwillingly. It was just for the sake of not being labeled by the senior members of the family as one stubborn and unloving boy. You know grandparents, they can be the best and the worst people in the world. My brother wished that I would be with him and we would go together there but situations wouldn't allow us because there are still a lot of things left here for me to fix up. So he went there without me. And I know how hurtful he was when he knew that he had to. He loathed that place very much; and I loathe it the most. I actually got mad to my mom when she agreed that my brother be sent to my grandparents' home because that only means ruining and spoiling a child's summer vacation. But she said that it's part of being a grandchild. My brother was so sad yesterday even though he didn't express the sadness he had. Come mid-afternoon, I slept and hoped that I wouldn't be awake until my brother leaves. Unfortunately, I was awoken minutes before my brother was fetched. I pretended to be asleep and I just glanced upon the window when the car arrived. I just shouted goodbye to my brother through the window and he heard it. He replied goodbye, too. It was so sad. I cried right after. I know he'd be too homesick there like when I was just a kid also in the same situation. I remember when I was just an only child then, I would be always forced to go to that place and every late night, I'd be calling Papa or Mama crying, asking them to fetch me. Homesickness can really make me cry and very very sad and I know that Bedeck is just experiencing the same thing now and probably worse than what I have experienced since that boy is very attached to us. I feel like I'm a bad sister for not being with him right now. If only I could let him not wait until the 11th of the month.

Homesickness breaks my heart. When I was in grade six, I was one of the school's delegates to a week-long seminar in Baguio. The idea of staying there for fun was exciting but my classmates just found it weird that I was crying while texting Papa and Mama while on travel. Oh, homesickness.

Now I suddenly thought of what would my life be when I start dorming for freshman year in college. I'll be in a very far place. Far from my family and friends. Company of friends won't even make me feel better [sorry]. It's gonna be hard and I don't know what came into my mind when I chose this option. I hate being impulsive. It just creates situations exactly like this. And I know that when I'm there, I would have nothing to run to but Him. I'm really scared of everything waiting for me there. I am not really sure if I'd survive. Breaking down is one of the things that I can't really avoid; and I just hope and pray that I'd be strong enough to handle it all.

I have been really a sinful child and a very bad catholic. There came a stage that I doubted too much and totally did not believe on the Higher Power amongst us; and thank heavens that consciousness has finally struck me and led me to what I am before. I thank God for everything that I have now and for letting me still live and survive today. I have seen how good He really is for still being with Me when I turned my back against Him. I feel shame for myself. Seriously. And I'm glad that I'm coming back. I know that He would help me get through all of the things ahead of me because it seems like He had intervened in the twist of my fate.

I'm so happy with this unbelievable transformation that I have just undergone. I'm so proud of myself. I may not be the old church-goer that I was but I am without doubt and firmly a true believer.

Yes my dear folks, contrary to popular belief, I am no strong-face. People dear to me are my weaknesses. And maybe you heard me say a lot of times that I hate my mom, my dad, my brother--but you should know that sarcasm is my ultimate art. I love them so much that I can't imagine how I'd be when the time comes that one would be going away. I hate being attached with people because I do not know hot to let go without being hurt [EHEM EHEM EHEM. HAHA].

I'm really sad. I miss Bedeck so much. :(

What makes it worse and really sad is that it's his birthday on Monday and he's gonna be celebrating it without us. Sad. Lonely. Annoyed. Pissed. In-tears. He told me the other day that he hates staying there on his birthday because nobody greets him. :( What a home, isn't it? Believe me, you wouldn't want to live in that home. Even my father who grew up there hated the place that's why he grew up under his Lolo's care. There's something wrong with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. She thinks that running an office is the same as running a home. AAAAAAAH! I semi-hate her.

Oh my, I'm crying right now. Damn. I'm getting so pathetic as I grow up.

**Please excuse my multiple sentence fragments and run-ons. I really have a lot to say and that's not even half of them. I just can't let everything out. I'm so full of angst which makes my emotional state very unhealthy. :(

we hope for longer goodbyes

If there's one thing that I'm not really good at [well, aside from Math] it's saying goodbye to those people who have been dear and close to me. This goodbye doesn't mean a simple goodbye. It's the kind of farewell that you say when you go off for a long journey ahead.

The seniors' day started with the processional, which is the ultimate beginning of every graduation rite. We didn't know that the teachers had something for us; and during that event, I already felt that I am already on the verge of crying. I get too emotional whenever these things happen.

And I thought what I felt was simple; and I thought that it would end there. When we were told that they're giving us a day off tomorrow, we were at first happy; but after a few moments, some people cried out that they still want to go to school tomorrow. I'm so tired and sick of all those songs and practises but I still want to go to school tomorrow. As in. I never thought I'd be this nostalgic since in the first place, I am not really that kind of person. Well, my strongface image is just a facade--that's been proven twice this school year. :(

I almost cried when we were in the Pananagutan classroom a while ago. I will forever love IV-Pananagutan. I'll miss my classmates. I love them so much. :) I will miss my seatmates. :) I will forever miss the after-recess aircon. I will miss the weird smell of our classroom. I will miss the Finch Patrol! :) I also almost cried when I jumped off my school bus. I never thought this morning that it would be the last day that I'd be riding that red school bus. Some of my mature busmates greeted me goodbye and good luck in college. I was so moved by that. My school bus manong for four years also greeted me goodbye with his usual happy-lolo face. Awwwww. I really felt weird this day.

This has been my most productive year in high school. I have worked for so many things and learned a lot from them as well. It was full of pain, stress but fun, too! All the things that I have done contributed to my own personal growth and I'm very thankful that I have done all those things.

It's just sad that we will be really going to different places and will be separating. For all those years, tight bonds were already tied along us; and now we'll be going to different places. Some will be in the posh Ateneo, in the abode of the green archers in Taft, in the royal university in Manila, and of course, in the kuta of the aktibistas. :)

This is one of the most surreal experiences that I had. I'm so happy. :)

e7ite is love

emoshitnal

I have never been this bitter. Never in my whole life I was.
I have the most reasonable reasons to feel this way so don't think that this is again one of the gazillion bouts of immaturity and insecurity that I usually have.

She should have emphasized the point of the activity.
Or at least waited for us.
Sayang, hindi man lang ako nakasama sa botohang lokohang iyon.
They are the most synthetic and the stupidest persons that I have ever met. Bibigyan pa ako ng pagkain--handa ni Hudas.

Oh well, I can't do anything about it. Being productive wasn't enough. I wish I shouldn't have done all of those things so that I wouldn't feel this bad in the end.

I suck.
Now paint a giant red -L on my face; because that's what I am: LOSER.
As much as I don't want to think of it, I cannot help thinking and sulking here.

You know what? They always, always make me cry. I hate them.

Gusto kong mag-amok, mag-urmentado, mambato ng mga panget ng mukha.
Walang hiya. Hindi ko na 'to kakayanin. Masyado akong lugi sa mga nangyayari.
Babawi ako. Makikita niyo.

Bukas luluhod ang mga tala. :x XD ^_-
Seryoso ako. Hindi na ako nagjo-joke ngayon.

More than terrified

I don't want to open my eyes tomorrow. Don't ask why. This thing's been running on my mind ever since September 17th. It sucks. It has caused me severe mental torture. Everytime I daydream and try to think of something sweet and try to contemplate over surreal yet nice events, my mind averts its track leading to that Blue Eagle Gym along the busy highway of Katipunan. My close friends know how I'm dealing with this thing and I know that in one way or another, I'm already irritating them because of my endless rants regarding this matter--which also makes them worried of their application status.

A fraction of my school friends now have a 'decent' university to go into in college. I'm the most tofee-nosed kid ever to reason that I just don't see my future in that school that's why I didn't take the entrance exam. True, I just don't see my future there although they say that it begins there. You get what I mean. But as I have seen, everyone just passed. Blah. Malaking sayang.

Please stop telling me things like I'm on a sure-pass situation in that great 'the' Areneow. I have to admit that it's somehow getting my hopes up too high and I just don't know how upset I'd be if ever I fail. So please, stop it. Let's treat things normally. You don't know how I messed up my essay during the exam date--with the ugliest handwriting ever. Aaaaah. I should have enrolled at speed-reading when I was a kid. Haha. Oh yeah, wag na akong patulan, pwede ba.

During club time:

Erica Trinidad: there's no sense worrying. What do you think? God will see you worried and change the test results? Haha. Don't think of it!

Help me through this. Please don't give me a reason to be angry with God. I'm slowly losing my faith because of as I have said in my last post, because of things that happened last year. It's always hardwork from me and I don't get a good payback afterwards. I hope and sincerely pray that everything will work out.

Anyway, I found myself doing all my homeworks and school tasks ahead before 7:30 PM tonight--yeah, even the Accounting homework that I usually just do in school before classes start. Nice change. I'm being more studious. I've got to maintain good things like this. By the way, I just called FedEx and inquired about my 'package' for my CIW partner and they said my partner has already received it at 4:30pm a while ago. Yey! I'm happy because I just made someone happy. Now I know my partner already has vitamins and that she'd not be too lonely because I wrote her a letter. It's something for me to be quite happy. I'd trust my 'deliveries' to FedEx from now on because 2GO really sucks big time--our surprise for Trixie Sandrine for instance. It took 4 days for that girl to receive it. 2GO's a big bitch for ruining all our plans on that day. Plus, delivery costs in FedEx are much cheaper. So yeah.

Good night.

Misunderstood.

When people say ang sama nito, ang sama ng ugali nito (even in the casually joking tone), I honestly get pissed off with that person speaking to me. I mean, do you even know what you're saying and who are you talking to?! Oh, come on. Nakaka-leche kayo sa buhay ng tao, alam niyo 'yun?

I don't deny that I complain too much on things--especially in food services. Once a friend told me to stop complaining because when I complain, I somehow disrespect God's graces--that is, food. I found that comment absolutely out of hypocrisy and very foolish. Do you know what you're saying? I was not against the food, I was against the very ugly service being given by the smelly school canteen. We're paying a mimimum of forty pesos for a cup of rice and a couple-spoonful of viand which is not in any way satisfying. If only students from our school do not get hungry, the school canteen concessionaire will be bankrupt. Nagtitiis lang kami sa panget nilang pagkain na wala naman kaming choice dahil gutom kami. Is it bad to complain because of the unsatisfying food services that you pay for? I don't think so. It's not what you call panlalait/pamimintas kasi I deserve to get satisfied as a customer. I'm just being vocal with my point of view every time I complain. I'm not passive.

I hate it when I'm being frank with certain matters and then somebody cries out: ang sama mo, ang yabang mo. Sa totoo lang, gusto kong sabihin: ang plastik mo, sobra. di ko na ma-take. bwiset. Saying what's true and what you're seeing is never bad. I don't see why people keep on pretending that they like this, that they like that, that it's okay even though it's like that. I don't see the point of letting things just pass and be apathetic with it even you're already affected. Why don't you laugh if it's all funny anyway? Why continue clinging on a person even though you don't really enjoy her company at all?

Prolly honeys you get my point now. This is what I do almost everyday and everyday, no one ever failed to say that I'm bad, I'm pretentious, I'm maldita. I'm actually waiting for the day that someone will say that I'm altogether unbearable than I'm gonna slap her face with my chubby hand and she'd thank me because I just gave her the awesome-est ecstacy she'd ever have. I am aware that I am not really that pristine(it's used as an adjective, not the name of a friend) holy girl that everyone loves but I don't think that I deserve to be labeled as a "bad cruel girl". I know I can be frank but I never forgot where I stand. And I never babbled non-sense so there's no way that you'd hate what I'm saying. I'm just plain normal but I don't get pleased easily and I want things on the right stage.

I just don't see why you can call me bad but you can't say it to the boy-hungry bitches, the maldita, matapobres, and the insensitive bitches that you're with everyday in school.

It may not be obvious, but I really loathe the feeling in the situations abovementioned. It's not good. Kung pwede lang, alamin mo muna kung ano ang tunay na masamang ugali.