I'm going back, Boss

I cannot deny that during the past months, I somehow felt that my life seems to be just out of its place. Like no definite and precise road to take. Everything else seems to be just impulsive and all-of-a-sudden. Decision making for certain things in my life have been really sucky because I can't really think of what to choose, where to go, what to do. It's like something is just really lacking and I really can't go on with these things I encounter everyday and I will encounter in the days ahead without this very important that I lack. I admit, I have lost. The sad and bad part there is I didn't lose that very important thing unintentionally. It was done deliberately. And now that I am quite okay with things, I really feel sorry for myself for what I have done. I'm such a fool for losing it and throwing it; thinking I would not need any tinge. I'm so wrong.

Once I was His ever loving child who went to Him and relied to Him most of the time. Since four, we have been friends and I overly depended on Him when it comes to things that I fear of. Like a tantrum-stricken child who wasn't given what she wanted for so long, I got away and tried to live my life without that divinity that I used to live with.

My brother went last night to my paternal grandparents' home unwillingly. It was just for the sake of not being labeled by the senior members of the family as one stubborn and unloving boy. You know grandparents, they can be the best and the worst people in the world. My brother wished that I would be with him and we would go together there but situations wouldn't allow us because there are still a lot of things left here for me to fix up. So he went there without me. And I know how hurtful he was when he knew that he had to. He loathed that place very much; and I loathe it the most. I actually got mad to my mom when she agreed that my brother be sent to my grandparents' home because that only means ruining and spoiling a child's summer vacation. But she said that it's part of being a grandchild. My brother was so sad yesterday even though he didn't express the sadness he had. Come mid-afternoon, I slept and hoped that I wouldn't be awake until my brother leaves. Unfortunately, I was awoken minutes before my brother was fetched. I pretended to be asleep and I just glanced upon the window when the car arrived. I just shouted goodbye to my brother through the window and he heard it. He replied goodbye, too. It was so sad. I cried right after. I know he'd be too homesick there like when I was just a kid also in the same situation. I remember when I was just an only child then, I would be always forced to go to that place and every late night, I'd be calling Papa or Mama crying, asking them to fetch me. Homesickness can really make me cry and very very sad and I know that Bedeck is just experiencing the same thing now and probably worse than what I have experienced since that boy is very attached to us. I feel like I'm a bad sister for not being with him right now. If only I could let him not wait until the 11th of the month.

Homesickness breaks my heart. When I was in grade six, I was one of the school's delegates to a week-long seminar in Baguio. The idea of staying there for fun was exciting but my classmates just found it weird that I was crying while texting Papa and Mama while on travel. Oh, homesickness.

Now I suddenly thought of what would my life be when I start dorming for freshman year in college. I'll be in a very far place. Far from my family and friends. Company of friends won't even make me feel better [sorry]. It's gonna be hard and I don't know what came into my mind when I chose this option. I hate being impulsive. It just creates situations exactly like this. And I know that when I'm there, I would have nothing to run to but Him. I'm really scared of everything waiting for me there. I am not really sure if I'd survive. Breaking down is one of the things that I can't really avoid; and I just hope and pray that I'd be strong enough to handle it all.

I have been really a sinful child and a very bad catholic. There came a stage that I doubted too much and totally did not believe on the Higher Power amongst us; and thank heavens that consciousness has finally struck me and led me to what I am before. I thank God for everything that I have now and for letting me still live and survive today. I have seen how good He really is for still being with Me when I turned my back against Him. I feel shame for myself. Seriously. And I'm glad that I'm coming back. I know that He would help me get through all of the things ahead of me because it seems like He had intervened in the twist of my fate.

I'm so happy with this unbelievable transformation that I have just undergone. I'm so proud of myself. I may not be the old church-goer that I was but I am without doubt and firmly a true believer.

Yes my dear folks, contrary to popular belief, I am no strong-face. People dear to me are my weaknesses. And maybe you heard me say a lot of times that I hate my mom, my dad, my brother--but you should know that sarcasm is my ultimate art. I love them so much that I can't imagine how I'd be when the time comes that one would be going away. I hate being attached with people because I do not know hot to let go without being hurt [EHEM EHEM EHEM. HAHA].

I'm really sad. I miss Bedeck so much. :(

What makes it worse and really sad is that it's his birthday on Monday and he's gonna be celebrating it without us. Sad. Lonely. Annoyed. Pissed. In-tears. He told me the other day that he hates staying there on his birthday because nobody greets him. :( What a home, isn't it? Believe me, you wouldn't want to live in that home. Even my father who grew up there hated the place that's why he grew up under his Lolo's care. There's something wrong with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. She thinks that running an office is the same as running a home. AAAAAAAH! I semi-hate her.

Oh my, I'm crying right now. Damn. I'm getting so pathetic as I grow up.

**Please excuse my multiple sentence fragments and run-ons. I really have a lot to say and that's not even half of them. I just can't let everything out. I'm so full of angst which makes my emotional state very unhealthy. :(

Okay I changed my mind

I was supposed to have a new and good phone this week [and it's gonna be postpaid, baby!] but I suddenly changed my mind and told my mom that I don't want to have a phone anymore. The very simple reason is I don't find any phone of my choice right now. Ewan. Choosing for me becomes most complicated when a lot of options are presented. There's a pool of them. It's like there are too many good things and I want them all. Or it's like too many good things are offered to you that you cannot compare and decide which one to pick. I'm sure you have had that kind of feeling even just once in your life. Another thing is I feel guilty that I'm still clamoring for a new phone when I'm sure that I'm not gonna use it--as in maximum usage. And yeah, being the usual simple, contented me, I chose to stick with this Motorola I have been using for 3 years now. Eh ano naman, at least may camera at saka yung iba nga hanggang ngayon, N3310 pa ang gamit eh [no offense meant to N3310 users there]. And the most surprising and whoa-ing reason that I have is I want to by my own phone with my own money. Haha. I'm sixteen; and I remember when I was twelve or eleven, I started to become shy when it comes to asking this and that from my parents. And that shyness within me was never expunged off me. In fact, it even became uhh, stronger? Stronger shyness? Haha. Sorry. I told you I really have terrible communication skills. I have the money to spend right now but I would just want to wait for something better to come out of the market. :)

Things have been blurry in the family since Saturday. I won't put details here since it's very confidential [it's not that my parents separated or whatever matter]. Oh, elections! What have you done to them? You've driven people mad and crazy. You've made them evil. :( I never thought we'd be put in this kind of tragic and embarrassing situation that I know I would never ever forget. NEVER EVER FORGET EVEN I'M ALREADY LYING ON MY DEATHBED. Anong ginawa mo? Hindi ka dapat tularan, alam mo yun. :( Sorry you don't understand, and unless we're really really close, you'll never know all these things. I'd stop watching and hearing the news until election time finishes--hoping I'll feel light.

amateur.

Fun.

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First-degree cousins minus 3 [CLICK THE PICTURE BECAUSE I LOOK BETTER WHEN IT'S ENLARGED. HAHA.]
Joaquin Lucas Miguel, Anton Clarenzo Benedicto, Rosario Bettina Margarita, Anna Clarissa Buena. That's Red, Bedeck [my bro], Inna, and me.

So now you know that long names are very common in our family. Haha. This picture was taken last Wednesday, at the Thanksgiving Party. It was a formal affair and as you can see, we're all dressed and we really look proper--that's why I like this picture because it's so different from the usual pictures that we cousins always have--those with bungisngis faces. Haha. I love this picture except for the fact that my brother is so annoying because he didn't smile. My bangs are very big and uhh, bulky--you know what I mean. And I look 4-months pregnant wearing my dress because of the lighting. I semi lost weight and semi got thin so don't dare say that I look fat and pregnant in that picture because it's just because of the fcuking lighting! Sasakalin ko ang magsabi na mukha akong buntis d'yan! Haha. Talk about defensiveness. Yes, I am the oldest in the first-degree cousin-ry but not in the whole clan. Excuse me, noh! Haha. And the age gap between Inna and I is not that big. Only 2 years, dude. She's just really small kahit na naka-heels na siya. Haha.

So anyway, I've been busy doing things for different purposes the past days. Yesterday, I was in Festival Mall in Filinvest, Alabang because I went with my mom in her meeting with Uncle Kim--he's Korean. He told me that my Korean students will be coming from Korea on mid-May. As I have said earlier in one of my entries, those Korean kids are having difficulties in grammar and pronunciation that's why they need a good and patient English teacher. Haha! And that's me. I guess it wouldn't be that difficult since those kids are entering Brent International School so I presume that they know a lot of English despite their so-called deficiencies. The rate hasn't changed--it's still 55,555 figures! That's why I'm happy. :) I'm gonna be hitting BPI again this May! Great. This is business, baby! I'm so glad I'm earning and being productive at this age. Haha. At least I wouldn't have to rely on the family seniors that much for my miscellaneous needs and/or wants.

My friends are nowhere to be found these days. Ariane is in Hong Kong, Trixie is in Bulacan, working for her father's campaign for mayorship, Zor cannot be reached. LLSF, where have you gone? Less people are on-line. Probably they're off to places. May 8-10, I'll be in Baguio. Oh, thank the heavens, I'll be having a treat! I want to go to Canada and visit my grandmother there. She just turned 70 last April 15 and it's already quite difficult for her to travel back here for a visit. I miss her so much. :(

Please tell your parents to vote for the following senatoriables:

1. Chiz Escudero
2. Ralph Recto
3. Manny Villar
4. Joker Arroyo
5. Kiko Pangilinan
6. Alan Cayetano
7. Ed Angara

Yan! They should vote for 12 pero boto niyo na yang 7 na iyan. :) I'm actually not pro-administration. I actually prefer the opposition candidates more. Ang trapo kasi nung mga nasa Team Unity. Not all, but most of them. Team Unity's composed of underdogs of the administration. Nakakasawa na.

And yes folks, Kabataan Party List as well. :)

And please, let's observe:

Silence can say more than a thousand words.

This day shall unite us all about this unbelievable painful & shocking event and show some respect and love to those who lost their loved ones.

On April 30th 2007, the Blogosphere will hold a One-Day Blog Silence in honor of the victims at Virginia Tech. More then 30 died at the US college massacre.

But it´s not only about them. Many bloggers have responded and asked about all the other victims of our world. All the people who die every day. What about them?

This day can be a symbol of support to all the victims of our world!

All you have to do is spread the word about it and post the graphic on your blog on 30th April 2007. No words and no comments. Just respect, reflect and empathy.