All Alone

I have three projects waiting for me but I just can't resist blogging at this point of time. I'm too motivated; or shall I say I have too much within me that I just can't let out here at home that I have to resort to this outlet--blogging.

These past few days, I have just discovered my major weaknesses. These weaknesses I have are really big matters that affect me so much. So much that I end up injured and affronted most of the time. First, is my inability to say no to people when they ask favors from me. I have this bad attitude of just agreeing and agreeing and saying yes when people ask me to do something. Our group projects, for instance. I just realized last night as I went back through some past things that I have done the last months in my senior year that I have done most of the projects that are supposedly group projects. The reasons? 1 is that some of my groupmates are really useless and there's no sense asking them to this and that for a help. 2 is that most of my groupmates are hardcore procrastinators--which I proudly say I am not; that's why I end up doing the project because I want to finish ahead or in time. I am so OC when it comes to projects--I want them organized, presentable and really good that's why when I see that there's not so much effort given to it, I usually give my all. In effect, I do the project alone. All by myself.

I cried shit in front of 24 people today because of shit. I don't want to reiterate things all over again but I really feel bad. This.is.the.first.time.someone.doubted.my.credibility.as.a.leader. My pride was crushed. I can't believe I'd actually breakdown that fast. And I cannot deny that I really am mad to most of them--them who I have served for almost a year. They just don't know how difficult it is for me to follow-up every week, remind them through different communication tools so that they won't forget. As a leader, I believe that I must voice-out whatever it is that they have to say so I forward it to the authority. Now, you just turned your backs against me. I swear I felt like shit a while ago, standing, defending my self all alone and them just there, passively present in that room. I have to take all the blames, the consequences, everything else! And as a bonus, I have been labeled as a dishonest officer for saying their complaints that can't be justified just because of the mere fact that I don't want to name-drop. So much that I cannot take it. I have been a student council treasurer, secretary way back in gradeschool. Club secretary, vice president and president in high school and in those years, I know that I have done all my duties and responsibilities without giving damage unto others. And now she'll just say that she thinks that all those things were just lies?! Oh come on. What have I done to you? Not to brag but I really do think that I am a person who is leader-material and I can manage things and I really have that commanding power. I am not misleading things in the club; I am actually making it better. Just because I don't want to name-drop, you hint that I'm lying. Tell me, who's a good leader that would name-drop and put her members down?

I just cannot take it. It's too much.

I hate myself for being so weak. I am not strongface. Not really but I swear I will! I will.
The incident that happened today will not happen ever again. I swear.

This has made me decide. I am not yet the person that I want to be. And in order to be that person, I should enter a university where I will be molded into a person who is fully brave, strong and free. Pakapalan na talaga sa kolehiyo. Ayoko na. I must be strong in order to not breakdown again when things like this happen--where people just seem to turn away from you. I have to stand up for myself cause no any other will.

Count me in the aktibista populace now. I'm in.