I'm going back, Boss

I cannot deny that during the past months, I somehow felt that my life seems to be just out of its place. Like no definite and precise road to take. Everything else seems to be just impulsive and all-of-a-sudden. Decision making for certain things in my life have been really sucky because I can't really think of what to choose, where to go, what to do. It's like something is just really lacking and I really can't go on with these things I encounter everyday and I will encounter in the days ahead without this very important that I lack. I admit, I have lost. The sad and bad part there is I didn't lose that very important thing unintentionally. It was done deliberately. And now that I am quite okay with things, I really feel sorry for myself for what I have done. I'm such a fool for losing it and throwing it; thinking I would not need any tinge. I'm so wrong.

Once I was His ever loving child who went to Him and relied to Him most of the time. Since four, we have been friends and I overly depended on Him when it comes to things that I fear of. Like a tantrum-stricken child who wasn't given what she wanted for so long, I got away and tried to live my life without that divinity that I used to live with.

My brother went last night to my paternal grandparents' home unwillingly. It was just for the sake of not being labeled by the senior members of the family as one stubborn and unloving boy. You know grandparents, they can be the best and the worst people in the world. My brother wished that I would be with him and we would go together there but situations wouldn't allow us because there are still a lot of things left here for me to fix up. So he went there without me. And I know how hurtful he was when he knew that he had to. He loathed that place very much; and I loathe it the most. I actually got mad to my mom when she agreed that my brother be sent to my grandparents' home because that only means ruining and spoiling a child's summer vacation. But she said that it's part of being a grandchild. My brother was so sad yesterday even though he didn't express the sadness he had. Come mid-afternoon, I slept and hoped that I wouldn't be awake until my brother leaves. Unfortunately, I was awoken minutes before my brother was fetched. I pretended to be asleep and I just glanced upon the window when the car arrived. I just shouted goodbye to my brother through the window and he heard it. He replied goodbye, too. It was so sad. I cried right after. I know he'd be too homesick there like when I was just a kid also in the same situation. I remember when I was just an only child then, I would be always forced to go to that place and every late night, I'd be calling Papa or Mama crying, asking them to fetch me. Homesickness can really make me cry and very very sad and I know that Bedeck is just experiencing the same thing now and probably worse than what I have experienced since that boy is very attached to us. I feel like I'm a bad sister for not being with him right now. If only I could let him not wait until the 11th of the month.

Homesickness breaks my heart. When I was in grade six, I was one of the school's delegates to a week-long seminar in Baguio. The idea of staying there for fun was exciting but my classmates just found it weird that I was crying while texting Papa and Mama while on travel. Oh, homesickness.

Now I suddenly thought of what would my life be when I start dorming for freshman year in college. I'll be in a very far place. Far from my family and friends. Company of friends won't even make me feel better [sorry]. It's gonna be hard and I don't know what came into my mind when I chose this option. I hate being impulsive. It just creates situations exactly like this. And I know that when I'm there, I would have nothing to run to but Him. I'm really scared of everything waiting for me there. I am not really sure if I'd survive. Breaking down is one of the things that I can't really avoid; and I just hope and pray that I'd be strong enough to handle it all.

I have been really a sinful child and a very bad catholic. There came a stage that I doubted too much and totally did not believe on the Higher Power amongst us; and thank heavens that consciousness has finally struck me and led me to what I am before. I thank God for everything that I have now and for letting me still live and survive today. I have seen how good He really is for still being with Me when I turned my back against Him. I feel shame for myself. Seriously. And I'm glad that I'm coming back. I know that He would help me get through all of the things ahead of me because it seems like He had intervened in the twist of my fate.

I'm so happy with this unbelievable transformation that I have just undergone. I'm so proud of myself. I may not be the old church-goer that I was but I am without doubt and firmly a true believer.

Yes my dear folks, contrary to popular belief, I am no strong-face. People dear to me are my weaknesses. And maybe you heard me say a lot of times that I hate my mom, my dad, my brother--but you should know that sarcasm is my ultimate art. I love them so much that I can't imagine how I'd be when the time comes that one would be going away. I hate being attached with people because I do not know hot to let go without being hurt [EHEM EHEM EHEM. HAHA].

I'm really sad. I miss Bedeck so much. :(

What makes it worse and really sad is that it's his birthday on Monday and he's gonna be celebrating it without us. Sad. Lonely. Annoyed. Pissed. In-tears. He told me the other day that he hates staying there on his birthday because nobody greets him. :( What a home, isn't it? Believe me, you wouldn't want to live in that home. Even my father who grew up there hated the place that's why he grew up under his Lolo's care. There's something wrong with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. She thinks that running an office is the same as running a home. AAAAAAAH! I semi-hate her.

Oh my, I'm crying right now. Damn. I'm getting so pathetic as I grow up.

**Please excuse my multiple sentence fragments and run-ons. I really have a lot to say and that's not even half of them. I just can't let everything out. I'm so full of angst which makes my emotional state very unhealthy. :(