Where do I go?

From the very moment I said my last "thank you" and gave them off my last smile, and from the moment I opened the door of that air-conditioned room and walked my way out of that antibiotic-smelling building, I thought

If not here, then where else?

They asked. I answered, I smiled. They told stories. I shared mine, I smiled. I think I was smiling for 30 minutes there. Whenever they asked, I answered honestly. I told them what I really want to say, what I really think of. For the last thing, they asked me to convince them that I really want to be part of their community; and I can't actually believe until now that those words came out of my mouth--and if He drove me to say those things, I hope it helps. And if that helps, I promise, I'm going back to Him.

I'm worried that I might not have convinced them for them to finally let me in. I'm really hoping for that divine intervention that can help me; if there really is. I don't know what will happen to me if this thing fails. There was already too much that I had to take ever since this new year has started and I think it's not bad if I wish again for something good this time. Something to be really happy of. It's frustrating much that after you have worked so hard, prayed so hard and waited for so long for the results to come out, you get rejected. For those who can't relate, I tell you it's not really a good thing. I hope you get rejected too for you to feel how it's like and stop laughing behind losers like me.

I don't want to sulk on the twenty-eighth. Not anymore.

Maswerte ka lang

Malas talaga ako sa bunutan. Sa Bingo lang ata ako talaga sinuswerte. Biruin niyo ba, kanina sa Oral Spelling Bee, halos lahat ng nabubunot ng batchmates ko kaya kong i-spell. Isa pa, ang bingi ko talaga eh. Gynecologist--Gynecology. Haha.

Yung Jam Session, okay naman. Okay naman. Consistency is not really my thing. Oh well, eh hindi eh, anong magagawa ko. At least hindi naman nagmukhang gago. Bakit, mukhang gago ba? Haha.

Labingisang asignatura. Lampas sampu. Walang nang mas magiging pabaya kaysa sa akin. Pero kahit papaano, wala naman akong palakol. SUBUKAN LANG NILA BIGYAN AKO. Kahit naman hindi ako masyadong nag-aral noong nakaraang markahan, masasabi ko pa rin na medyo angat pa rin ako sa iba--maliban na nga lang siguro sa Matematika at Pisika. Lagi naman eh. Sige, mag-Biolohiya tayo. Tignan natin kung sino'ng lilitaw. Bwisit, ang yabang. Nakuha ko na kasi 'yung kard ko kanina imbis na bukas kasi kailangan ko bukas nang maaga eh.

Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa--wag kayo maniniwala rito kasi hindi totoo. Minsan mayroon Siyang mga taong hindi kinaaawaan. O baka pinipili Niya lang. Eh pero, may Diyos nga ba?

I'll leave you thinking that.

P.S. Nanghihinayang ako na sa sobrang pagkagago at bobo ko kanina, hindi ko nasabi sa speech ko 'yung: Pananagutan and Paninindigan--these are two very precious Filipino values that we unfortunately don't have. If only Juan dela Cruz would wholeheartedly live with these, our Lupang Hinirang would be the place we always dreamt of. If only Juan dela Cruz would finally learn these Filipino values, Arete, Kleos and immortal celebrare would be within each and every Filipino's reach.

Well you know, some people could be just merely stupid after all. It's just not your fate this time, as Ria puts it. [O, meron na namang nagbabasa dyan na magbibigay ibang kahulugan dito. Fudge you.]

Nothing is scarier

When I came home today for school, the telephone rang as I opened the door. Of course, being the closest person to the telephone I answered it.

Me: hello.
Caller: Ah hello, pwede po kay Ms Reyes?
Me: *trying to figure out the face behind the VERY familiar voice* Ms Reyes who?
Caller: Ah, Mrs Reyes po pala
Me: ---- *natatakot na, thinking it was Ms Dinlasan because the voice was really familiar.
Me: ha? sino 'to?
Caller: yung sa acupuncture po.. blah blah
Me: hindi na nakinig, tinawag na yung nanay ko.

WOW. WHAT A RELIEF.

Mrs Dino just told us a while ago that they're already starting to call parents. I wasn't really expecting a call since no teacher 'whispered' to me albeit my grades from the last quarter really decreased. Probably in all subjects. There's no wonder in that since the 3rd quarter was really hectic and hard. And okay I admit, I was really giving off slack last quarter. Well, not now. Haha.

So, tomorrow's the 'big day'. I'm seriously going for suicide if I embarrass myself in front of people tomorrow. I just hope that I won't be the first one eliminated in the Oral Spelling Bee tomorrow. And if it's not too much to wish, I hope I'd win in that category so that I wouldn't have to pressure myself to win the Jam Session category. Wow, as if there's a big chance of winning for me when there's the fact that I'm competing with 2 of the most brilliant people of my batch from the other sections; and there's Chriselle Sy, too--for those who don't know, that girl was the champion in the Word Factory event just this last intramurals. Plus, the winner of the Oral Spelling Bee category last year, EHEM EHEM, is going to be at it again. Wow, and me.. I'm just the last girl eliminated last year because I can't spell the fcuking word flambeaux. Well at least now, I can spell it. So, do you think there's still a chance left for me? Basta not the first/second/third girl to be eliminated is so okay na for me. Please lang, I have done so much for this kaya sana naman mag pay-off.

For the Jam Session, I am so more-than-terrified. I fear that I might not make a very good contest-piece due to the lack of time. And see how difficult my situation is: the topic will be given by 8am tomorrow; and by the hour of 8 tomorrow, I might still be participating at the Oral Spelling Bee. My ass is still working on there while my opponents are already making their speeches. How unfortunate. I tried to tell my case to Mrs Ben yesterday but she seemed too busy for her not to really understand my point. What the hey.

On the real scary side, I found this interesting video clip regarding Global Warming. Everyone who lives in this planet should be able to see this. It's really life-threatening. I remember I once aimed to be an environmentalist but seeing that in this third-world abode, no one acknowledges the presence of environmentalist and philanthropists, I lost the interest of aiming such goal.

holy what?

If there's anything about recollections/retreats that I really like--it's the fact that I can eat my meals at the right time. Very right time. Only that. No more.

This year's last recollection which I believe should be the most renewing, most meaningful, most fruitful and most memorable turned out to be the total opposite of my expectations. First of all, the schedule really sucks. Second, the activities were really uninteresting. Very uninteresting. It will make you hate the facilitators, the fact that you're there, the teacher who're with you who would do nothing but tell that they never expected seniors to be like that, like this, what the hell. It will only make you more sinful. By the way, confessing your sins was not included in the activities. That's also one of the things I want in retreats, actually. So now you know how sucky the whole experience is.

I hated the psychogenetics thing. Yes, we all know that genes are really vital when it comes to your offspring, etc. but I don't think it's right to make it a basis in knowing how your married life would be in the future. They said there's a pattern. For instance, my maternal grandparents were separated and my mom and her siblings lived separately with their different extended families; according to psychogenetics, it is also most likely to happen to us. Meaning, my family would also get miserable like my mom's. Thank you for telling us that; also, thank you for insisting that it's accurate. We really appreciate it. I have been taught by the Roman Catholic belief that the relationship among family members would always depend on the way the members of the family interact and communicate with each other and of course, in what they call God's grace. If Psychogenetics is true, then it means God seems to put a curse on the generations whose senior members of the family are separated.

Catholicism never became unconfusing. This is why I am not faithful at all.

Prosec field trip is tomorrow. I am not ecstatic about it. I never enjoyed Prosec. I don't even think that we're actually getting the worth we're paying. All we do in Prosec is spend, and experience the stress of raiding your closet and unearthing something that you think would look good in you. Prosec field trip my ___.

I'll tell you something. The facilitating priest in our recollection is gay. And what makes it more obvious to me is his effort to hide his sexuality. What now if you're gay? You'd not be sinful unless you bang someone from Adam's children. Hahahaha. I'm so bad for saying this; I know, don't you worry. I never pretended to be a good school-girl. Plus, he never stood up from his chair. Buti sana if the chair was placed on the center of the conference hall eh, pero no, it's placed on the corner. And the voice, nako;

Before I end this, I tell you dear batchmates who are reading this. Rejoice! Because the food in Arnold Janssen Spirituality Center had undergone a major improvement. As in.

My blog sucks when viewed using an Apple iBook. I hope I know how to get things fixed up but no, I don't know how. Kaila, you there? Haha. :)