I'm having a totally sucky feeling these past days. You know the feeling of being sick? I'm feeling it right now but I am definitely not sick. The feeling is similar to the feeling that I had wayback my first day in the hospital (when I was hospitalized due to deadly dengue). I don't really know if I'm feeling loneliness, angst, frailties, confusion, or what! This really sucks. I don't know if this stage is just normal for adolescent beings like me. I just feel that I'm not enough. I am not what I wanted. I can't satisfy myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't really know. No, that's wrong. I know what's wrong but still refuse to accept that it is wrong.

I'm so tired and sick of the dreams that I painstakingly reach for but continuously go farther away from me. Having dreams is my drive and my motivation but is also the culprit of all my cowardice and suffering. I suddenly came to a conclusion that the reason why I often hinder myself from doing something I badly and really want to do is I'm so afraid of rejection and not being good enough for the "dreams" I want to finally reach. Fcuk. I hate this. I mean, I hate what's happening with me right now. I really hate it. It really sucks. What's even worse is that I already do my best and still absolutely everything goes downhill. Just imagine that! Arrghh. Fcuking shit. I'm so tired of having this feeling. So, so, so tired!

I'm crazy. So crazy. This is crazy and it doesn't make sense. FOR YOU. Well, for me, it does. I don't care if you find it senseless. Errr.